October 4th, 2012

Dear Father,

Your birthday is approaching.  I think your death day is as well.  What did you feel when you found out that your brother in law killed himself.  Did it surprise you?  Did you shake your head and mourn?  Did you go on wondering why? 
Your first son was well on his way into this world, so was my cousin, but he or she didn't make it.  But Kieth did.  And I not long after.  but the people I should of known but didn't started with Tommy, continued with you, and ended with my Grandmother.  I often wonder if she would have made it if you hadn't already left.  A mother's connection with her son is almost always strong.  Sometimes however it is broken.
Father, happy birthday.

Your son,
Jason Vincent Alexander Murray

Mark Twain

Dear Father;

I am reading Letters From Earth, the unedited writings of Mark Twain. The man was a genius. He wrote like someone who came years later, a modern style, an unedited look at what was ridiculous in his world. This book is partially responsible for these letters. These are my letters from Earth.

Your son,
Jason Vincent Alexander Murray

The End Is Near

Dear Father;

The end is near. I am signing up for classes that represent the beginning of my final year of regular college. Twenty seven years after I signed up for my first class in college I am finally looking like I am going to finish. After this it's time for grad school but at least I finally will have one part of his all done.
This thing is going to feel good to be done.

Jason Vincent Alexander Murray

Another winter comes to a close

Dear Father;

The realization I had on my way home is that most of the terrible things that have happened in this world have been the result of anger. Anger at things left undone, unsaid. Anger at things done and said. These things are in the past. You are in the past. We are all in the past and walking towards the future. Unfortunately I have spent the last 43 years walking without you.

I could be angry at you, or God, or the gods. I could bare grudges and subtle hatred about what has happened to take you away from me.

And so instead of anger I turn to music and listen to your ethereal self come through other's music.

Jason VA Murray

God Death Heaven Hell

Dear Father;

I don't believe in God. Not the way Grandfather did. I am not an Atheist because I refuse to say that there is nothing else out there. I find most religion a big ball of blame. People need reasons for everything; "Why did he take my son?" "Why did he take my father?" because we don't want to think that these things are random. We desire order in a universe that tends towards chaos. We seek answers continually to the universe around us when in reality it is far to large for our minds to wrap around it.

The big bang, the ether, string theory, these are all things that we use to keep us going. Einstein's one downfall was trying to search for a theory of everything, for when we find that we will find the essence of God and mankind was never meant to know that.

One looks to the heavens and ponders what happens to those that pass on. That there is more to this life than our bodies walking around I know for I have seen the unexplainable. This is however how it should be; Unexplainable. When we pass on it is better that we not know to where we go. There is no heaven, there is no hell, no streets of Gold, no 42 virgins, no fire and brimstone, no red caped hooves menacing demons. We see the echoes everyday of those that came before.

I write all this to explain in part why I'm writing to someone who has been gone for over forty years. Most of your echo is gone. I never really knew what you looked like so I have no face to forget, no smile and loving nickname, but even though you left before I had a chance to know you I love you and miss you just the same.

Love, Your son,
Jason Vincent Alexander Murray

You and your friends

Dear Father,

Today I talked to a woman who knew Peter. We talked about the last exit and how she recorded music with him once in his studio. Every once in a while you visit me in some unexpected way. I appreciate that. What is death like? Is that a secret you are going to keep from me? That's okay. We all need our secrets.
I listen to Jazz to be near you. I listened recently to Bitches Brew by Miles Davis. You once spent time with him so spending time with his music is like spending time with you. I sometimes wonder what sort of father would you have been. Would you have lectured me when I drank too much? Would you have made damned sure that I played an instrument? Would you be the kind of father I am today?
You are out there and hopefully you hear the rantings of my keyboard. They don't clackity clack anymore. Now they just whisper.

Love,
Your Son,
Jason Vincent Alexander Murray

A bright and sunny day

Dear Father;

Today is a bright and sunny day. The kind you change into your sunglasses for. These days start out cold so you leave the house layered in black, but come home carrying your coat and sweater. I don't drive the fast cars you did. But I tend to drive to fast like you. Instead of an MGA or a TR2 I have a big volvo Station Wagon. What would you think of this car? Maybe you'd approve because your grandchildren ride around in it, and as we know children can fly out of an MGA!
I know you'd approve of the motorcycle my mouth was salivating over today. A long seat Triumph. My boy told me that everyone would really think he was cool if I dropped him off by motorcycle in the morning. I told him not to worry he was already cool.

Love,
Your son,
Jason Vincent Alexander Murray